A lament...

Mostly I'm just rambling here because I need to ramble for a minute....and ultimately what I hope for is that in the ramble will come clarification and possibly a resolution and even (dare I hope) some peace of mind...

This is a lament about safe havens...places that you go to feel loved and cherished...places where you have friends that understand you and support you and help you through the roughest of times...I have a million great friends out there...you know who you are...I know who you are, but friends are a little different than the safe havens that I'm talking about...don't you have someplace or someone you can go to that you know won't judge you for actually saying the things that you aren't supposed to say, but that you just can't help but feel?

I had that kind of a place.  I've loved that place dearly for so long....it was my lifeline for many months...it was my comfort and I feel as though I have made some "best friends" that laugh with me and cry with me...

And then...all of a sudden you are back in junior high and someone passes you a note that says "somebody in our group doesn't like you."

Fast forward to what I think is supposed to happen in adult life.  Ok...you don't like me...can I ask why?  What did I do?  I'm sorry if I offended you.  I apologize for speaking too brazenly or not taking good enough care of your feelings or not being aware that my flippancy was hurting you.  Apology accepted?  Wonderful.  Lets hug, sing kumbaya and move forward...

Rewind to reality...Well, crap.  Who is it?  Oh, you can't tell me?  They want it to be a secret?  If they want it to be a secret then why are they telling everyone else?  Oh, they just put up a big "I don't like her" sign but nobody knows who it was?  Well, great...how am I supposed to fix something that I don't know is wrong for someone who won't say who they are?

And now, all of a sudden you start to suspect...what if it was her or that person?  We don't always agree, but I thought we were friends.  Well, I wonder if one of my "friends is not really my "FRIEND"...

And now that safe haven is no longer a place you want to go anymore...and its no longer a place you want to share your feelings anymore because now you know that someone in your group doesn't really want to be your friend...they aren't taking care of your feelings...in fact they don't want to be your friend so much that they anonymously announce that you are no longer a good friend to them...

And then you feel anger instead of sadness.  COWARD.

And so...do I need more drama in my life?  I do not seek it out...I refuse to accept it.  I HATE dealing with it...and now my safe haven is just...well, its drama.

And so...do I look for a new place or try and repair the old?  I know still that I have wonderful friends there, but there is just a feeling of division that now I no longer trust.  I can still visit.  I can still laugh and have fun and relish the good times and lament with them over the bad...but ultimately it is no longer a place where I will feel safe.

I've been pondering how to rebuild a new home where I can spend much needed ME time.  I think it will need to be kept close to my heart for awhile...I've been wanting to write and perhaps now is the time to start.  To finally put it all on paper and learn to rely on myself a little more to get past the hard days...

If you've made it this far in my ramble, I'm impressed...if you understood any of it I'm even more impressed.  I hope you have a safe haven...I hope it stays safe for you...