Poisoned apple little girl?

I haven't said much about it lately, but little miss Madmad has been giving me a H.E. double hockeysticks of a time lately.  It started when we returned home from our trip back to the states....last August and it finally culminated last night. 

I grew a pointy nose, wart on my chin with a hair and all and handed my 8 year old stepdaughter a poison apple.

Four times in the past week I have caught her stealing candy and/or money from me....and four times in the past week she's tried to lie and blame someone else for her behavior.  Last night I caught her red handed...and well, the wicked stepmother came out in full force.

I called the MPs.  Yes, I said MPs...as in military police for anyone not so familiar with those Army acronyms.  I really did.  I called the police on my 8 year old.  And as she cried her little eyes out in front of me I talked to them about my options for an 8 year old klepto... 

I think the MPs actually laughed at me while on the phone.  Had I been able to do a Darth Vadar long distance death choke I would have invoked it at that moment.  Apparently they don't understand the meaning of "I'm at the end of my ability to provide appropriate consequences."  Which for any understanding person is very obviously me screaming, "I'm going to flog this child and hang her by her toenails if someone doesn't help me."  Duh.

Of course there isn't much they can do...but I didn't make it sound that way.  They told me I could bring her in and they'd talk to her and I responded with a sly, "Oh, you want me to bring her into the jail?"  They offered their apologies and I responded with a very stern look at her and a, "Yes, it is tragic that she's chosen the path of a thief."

And then...here comes the wicked stepmom...after they hung the phone up...I pretended to continue the conversation.

And in my wickedest voice I described what an 8 year olds worst nightmare was and called it jail...all in a fake conversation with the MPs. 

So, she'll have to write 2000 lines per day.
Cackle Cackle Cackle...

Really...only cold mush at every meal.
C'mere my pretty...

All chores and no freetime?  What a shame!
Take a bite of the pretty apple little girl...

And she bit.

And she begged me not to send her to jail.  And in my sweetest, most forgiving and loving voice I promised no jail if she'd behave.
*"Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air..."

Do you think I'm going to H.E. Double hockeysticks?

*From MacBeth

PS.  Yeah...thanks to you, my pretties, I am in the top 50 for military blogs and ranked 342 currently for all blogs.  Keep the clicks coming.  I appreciate it!